Sorry, I'm just now reading it, I was out of town Monday. Anyways, hopefully people will read the disclaimer and go from there.
So you've got it set up in "campaign mode"...that will make it easier to follow the events thereof as we envision it while reading the text. Kudos.
--Jonesybites 22:36, December 22, 2009 (UTC)
Lol, honey, I only put it up last night, so no worries on only now just reading it. Geesh! Wasn't even expecting anyone to read it straight away. LOL. But thanks so much, and, by 'campaign mode' do you mean how I've got the titles and stuff set up?
Mana4X2 04:24, December 23, 2009 (UTC)
Precisely...including the overall presentation, which is not a bad way to do it since the sequences of your FF follow the events after deployment of Operation Hollow, literally in the GoW 2 game; I believe it's appropritae in this case. There's a handful of FF's that I didn't really like because they where written in a "horde" mode, which basically means that the sequences are straight action, with little emphasis on the character or plot developement; it's just a written account of what happened during a spat after spat, until the character involved eventually dies, and that's about it...they really don't function as anything else otherwise. However I do not see that being the case here in your story as of now.
Now I have to finish up a goofy, G0W parody that I promised the GoW forum folks, that I would have it posted before Friday...groan.
--Jonesybites 14:26, December 23, 2009 (UTC)
- Grins* Credit for the set up goes to Lobo, as I asked her if I could use the same layout. Of course, I changed it to suit my story, but yeah, I had a look around at how others were set up, and the only layout I really liked, no offence to anyone here, was Lobo's. LOL. I always planned for it to be action from the start, but never to take away from the character growth. I am just finding myself sliding in the various character points here and here, instead of devoting a whole paragraph, section to them, since the way the story flows, it isn't appropriate, yet. LOL.
I can't wait til you've had time to really sit down and read it so far, Jonesy, and again, I you have no idea how grateful I am to have your support since I first joined ^_^. Just a small heads up though, I will be taking a little bit of a break from it now to catch up on my X-Men site. Doesn't mean I won't still be writing, just may take a bit longer still. With the holidays, now is the perfect time to play some serious catch up, the place is very slow, so I won't be feeling as if I'm finally making headway only to come on and go, "Oh man, how much can happen in one day?!" LOL.
Mana4X2 15:31, December 23, 2009 (UTC)
Well I'm really liking it so far. Was confused at first (appropriately) but I soon caught up. Baird's line “Seriously man, what are you on?!” is freakin' hilarious and I gigglesnorted when I read it. Also, the comment about stuff being Classified - it's so true I couldn't help but nod in agreement. I must say as well that I really like the way you've written this; the tone and flow is unusual, but very refreshing. It suits your storytelling style.
Also, buahahaha, “Hello, I’m here and more qualified than a stupid machine”, it's so totally Baird, as is his argument with JACK.
And yes, I am writing this review while reading. xD
Critiquing-wise, you may want to change "Sarg" to "Sarge". Other mistakes I've seen whilst I was reading are mostly minor and can be fixed if you just read it through again in a couple of days.
Other then that, I'm rather curious now as to learn what is going on... :) *Watches page*
LoboDiabloLoneWolf 13:31, December 24, 2009 (UTC)
- Dances! Oh honey, yay, I was hoping it wasn't just me that cracked up when I reread both that first line and the argument with JACK. I hate saying how much I adore the way something turned out cos I feel like I'm boasting or something, but sometimes I write stuff and it works so well I feel like someone else has written it... do you know what I mean? Am I making any sense at all? LOL. And naturally, you would be confused at first, since it is the second game rewritten, and that's why I was careful to make sure I put it in both the Summary and then expounded on that a bit in the Plot area too.
- Thanks for the mention on the change needed to Sarge, that was one thing I wasn't sure about. Now I know, whoot! I find too that no matter how many times I read it there is always something I've missed. Will do another run through now, since I want to get 'Sarg' fixed up ^_^. Thanks again, sweet.
- Mana4X2 11:50, December 25, 2009 (UTC)
Well...wow springs to mind first... followed swiftly by mocking Baird. xD Short intense chapter that really captured the whole chaos of battle, so well done on that, and even though I've got an idea on what's going to happen - I still want to read it!!! But now the question arises, why weren't those other dead soldiers brought back?? I'm sure it'll be all explained though. ^_^ Really looking forward to the next chapter, Mana! PS. Sorry about the long delay, my mouse decided to up and die then. ¬_¬
LoboDiabloLoneWolf 14:37, January 24, 2010 (UTC)
- Thanks Lobo, and lol, that was the whole point of putting emphasis on those three soldiers, to make the audience wonder along with Baird as to why. Not just him though, the others would be thinking it as well, which kind of really does go without saying.
- --Mana4X2 12:09, January 25, 2010 (UTC)
New Chapter[]
Sorry I'm late...I'm putting together our business income taxes this week (groan)...that and I'm wrapping up Snowblind (sniffle) and starting another FF for the Darksiders genre (ok, yea, it's my own fault for the overload, but the taxes I have to do)...groan, again.
Anyhoosits, you could probably do the flow of events some justice if you combined the previous chapters. The only reason I suggest this is that the flow of events is being broken up and it ruptures the rhythm of the story...but...this is just something that I normally have issues with alot of FF's, some more worse than others, so it could be just me, however you may want to ask other opinions if they feel same.
It's nothing cataclysmic so please don't bend over backwards fretting about it (not that I think you would, but I've seen it happen amongst other writers). So I guess with that said, another observation, if you're going to post once every three weeks or so (and that is not a problem by any means) you may want an abbreviation of what happened in the previous chapter so you're frequent readers can remember what happened in the previous episode. Again, this is nothing that you MUST DO OR YOU WILL DIE A THOUSAND DEATHS IN THE DEEPEST DENIZONS OF YOURE MERCILESS AUDIENCE...I just thought of it when I had to go back to reread the previous chapter to recall what happened earlier (I'll admit it, it may be because I’m getting old)…granted it wasn't a big deal since the previous chapters were few, but when you get to ten chapters, I can see how could be tedious to have to go back and review.
But I'm glad you've posted again; the activity here has been non-existant, other than me posting my latest chapters...and still no feedback, grrr. But that's a rant for another day. Anyway, the story is otherwise flowing nicely...just waiting to get to the nitty gritty heart of the plot. I'm a fanatic about suspense and mystery so hopefully, it will rear it's ugly facade as the tribulation smacks our heroes in the back of the head. (Take that Fenix...BWAHAHAHA)
--Jonesybites 19:59, January 24, 2010 (UTC)
- Hey Jonesy, long time no chat, lol. As you were already aware, the busy time of year, as well as needing to concentrate on my X-Men RPG, saw me not able to get to the next chapters as fast as I would of liked to. However, I've since cut down to just my own site, instead of the two I was in, which is now giving me more time. Best example of that, Chapter 4 is already half way written. Lol.
- Hmm, I actually did think of combining the chapters a bit more, however, I'm finding the muse telling me to do it this way hun, to give anyone reading it time to breath between the action... lol... since there is a lot of that. Once it hits my version of Act 3 it will slow down a bit on that front, get more into the specific details of what is going on and why, with some flashbacks included. I can let you know that Chapter 5, the last Part of Act 2, will start the ball rolling on that front. Maybe I should actually make Chapter 4 part of Chapter 3... gah, now you have me thinking... again. LOL. I do appreciate that though, cos my first idea might actually be the better way, hehe (yes, the decision to split it up came later. Might go back to not splitting it up now).
- Oooh, I totally agree with the abbreviation or Summary, as is what I am used to calling it. Question though, where would I put that... under the Plot section at the top? In fact, that is actually where I was going to start doing that sort of thing, just haven't actually begun to yet ^_^.
- As for you Fan Fic honey, taking into consideration what I have explained about myself in my UserPage here, would I be able to read it? If so, I will do exactly the same with yours as I am going to do with Lobo's... wait til the stories are completed, since they are already so close, THEN read them from beginning to end properly. If you guys had just started, I'd be reading along with each Chapter, like you both are doing with mine, but since I have joined close to Snowblind and Dog of War's completion, as I told Lobo, I shall wait and read them properly, providing Snowblind is something I could read without... um... cringing? LOL. Hugs.
- --Mana4X2 12:09, January 25, 2010 (UTC)
Ugh, sorry I'm late on the reply...I finally got our taxes done. But concerning your timing, you did mention that you where going to be off for a few weeks so it didn't suprise me at all...it's just been slow here in general, but that could be for a number of reasons that are unrelated.
Anyhoosits, now that you mention it,(putting certain chapters together) it's probably one of those thing where you'll have to write it all out first and then just sit back for a more, grander picture of the story to see if that would be the more plausible solution...and you may be right, the story flow may work better this way, depending on the events that happen afterwards.
But concerning the "graphic detail" of the events in my fanfic, I'll be honest to say that it's a bit more graphic than Lobo's (and that's not insinuating what is better and what is worse, it’s just a statement of fact). When I wrote it, I used a lot of elements that are apparent in the actual gameplay and I attempted to illustrate those very elements in my writing, so to make a long story short, there is “gore,” nudity (actually that’s kind of a oxymoron, lol) and language. The only thing that I can think of that I believe you may have an issue with, is in one chapter (Chpt 34) where rape takes place, and there is an abbreviated warning in the beginning of that chapter. Needless to say, I didn’t strive to be politically correct, but I didn’t write it just for the sake of violence and other potentially questionable elements that I mentioned earlier; it’s just the realities of humanity at war…and in the GoW universe, those very elements that I have mentioned earlier are apparent in canon. With that said, the decision is yours...or you can just read the commentary at the very end; it's not graphic at all.
Anyway, as far as the abbreviations concerning events from the previous chapter, I started to do that in my FF (simply because it is loooong) in Fanfiction.com…I didn’t do it here because I had most of this already written out before I posted…but I discovered this as I was writing on the other site and I thought that it would be much more convenient than expecting the reader to remember everything that happened the chapter before, I can’t even do that! I just wrote a sentence that summarizes the events that lead to where the characters are at the present, and I placed it at the beginning of the chapter...whatever way you choose to do it, may be better than my suggestion.
--Jonesybites 04:26, January 27, 2010 (UTC)
Chapter 4: Confirmation[]
Heya Readers,
I found Chapter 4 of GoW: Deployable Weapon one of the hardest to write, because it is the last transition chapter before getting to the first major plot reveal of the story. So, you can imagine I am now very pleased it is completed. I know there is obvious changes to the canon now, however, as of Chapter 5, the AU stuff will really begin ^_^. --Mana4X2 15:22, March 27, 2010 (UTC)
Okay, edits first. Just added in a closing " and a 'was' in the line it kind of a mute point. Also removed an extra opening " and changed needing to needed, we we're to we were, and past to passed.
Now with that out of the way! On to the review!
I really enjoyed it, the part with the whole Rockworm buisness was hilarious for some reason and had me sniggering all the way - maybe because Delta were acting like kids for a second back there. XD
You may want to edit the bit about them taking the supplies from the dead Gears, it's a little confusing - maybe after To lean down and relieve fellow COG Soldiers of anything of use was not something any one of them found acceptable, not even in the slightest. add something like ,but it had to be done.
Other than that though, nice pace, good battle scenes, and I can see how you're writing style's improved since you started, so kudos on that. X3
LoboDiabloLoneWolf 17:06, March 27, 2010 (UTC)
- Yay, you put in a pic...we need more pics!
- Heehee, I think every gamer actually spent five minutes shooting at the worms, just for giggles, lol, so I can see the relation...but anyway, my only critique was that it was long, as if you were taking the campaign mode, step by step, which, granted, yea playing the game made it interesting, but trying to interpret/illustrate it on paper is a completely different animal...I felt you could have accomplished the same bridging some battle sequences, or expanding some dialogue concerning the events they witnessed the previous chapter, to build up the plot twist. Again, that's just me, but I can see what you mean as far as having difficulty trying to transition the events.
- Now, when you say to the "main plot," are you implying that you're going to take it a completely different route from the "campaign mode" that you have been following, up until now? If so, neat-o! Can't wait to see where it goes!
- --Jonesybites 03:41, March 28, 2010 (UTC)
- Lobo made the piccie for me, after I ask her if she could *hugs her*. It just adds some officialness to the whole fic now... well, at least I think it does, LOL. First of all, thank you for the edits, Lobo, there is just one in there that I might change back, however, I shall read it with the added word first ^_^. Am also in the process of talking out the confusing bit with ya via MSN now, so that will be dealt with soon too, hehe.
- And yes, Jonesy, that is exactly what I mean. There will be a little bit more 'campaign' type action up to a certain point of Chapter 5 then things will drastically start changing. Of course, the mission will continue, however once it gets to ACT 3, the similarities to the game will drastically change, as will the overall pace of the story. I am leaning towards the real AU stuff beginning around Chapter 7, but yeah, don't hang out for that, might not happen til Chapter 8, lol. Still, you will see the current fast pace start to slow down from a certain point, which will begin later on in Chapter 5. For now, yes it definitely has a campaign mode type feel to it, even though there is that whole 'what the?' factor mixed with a lot of extra dialogue and interpretation.
- As for bridging and expanding on events hun... I see where ya coming from, however, my idea from the start was to be fast, in your face, leaving the reader with a sense of "What the hell is going on?" and the best way to do that is to not expand on things... YET! *Grins* It is coming though, promise ^_^. Although, I will say I was already thinking about whether to add some of Ch4 into 3 and thus start 4 from a different point. In fact... I think I will now that my two main readers have read it. Hugs and thank you so much for reading and reviewing guys, greatly appreciated.
- --Mana4X2 12:50, March 28, 2010 (UTC)
Hello Mana[]
This is Mark from Mana4x2, just popping in to say hello and that I'm going to read GoW: Deployable Weapon again from the start. It will be an enjoyable read, so I'll be leaving you some of my thoughts and comments either here or via PM over at Mana4x2. I hope you won't mind and for now, I'll say keep up the good work.
- Awww, thanks Mark, as I said, your one person I can't wait to hear your opinion on the thus far 7 chapters. Btw, the link to where DW has also been put up on FanFiction.net can be found at the bottom of my Homepage too. Just depends which version you'd rather read, as over there the chapters are up on a separate link each, rather than a whole lot of text in one. --Mana4X2 11:04, June 5, 2010 (UTC)
Updates[]
Alright, I all caughtz up now...lol.
Anywhay, the last few chapters was an improvement from the previous one...it kept a steady pace between the description and dialogue, and it wasn't overly drawn out. My only suggestion is to space out the dialogue so the reader knows who is saying what, but this is just a suggestion.
I'm curious as to how "Mana" knows the Gears of Delta, as I recall her calling them, either by rank or name, within a few minutes after introduction, unless she was paying that close of attention to whom was saying what on the comm...but this is just my observation.
Anyhoot, keep updating.
--Jonesybites 15:54, June 7, 2010 (UTC)
- Yay, so happy you got to read it hun, and thanks for the input. I do agree the pace was better than the last chapter definitely, and said pace will slow down even more now that the DW has been revealed. I'm just a little unsure what you mean about spacing out the dialogue, as I thought I was doing that, lol. Could you please elaborate a bit, cos I am interested in improving it where I can.
- As for the DW knowing the ranks and names of Delta: 1) She's been listening and observing (something that will be gone into more detail in future chapters) the entire time while traveling along with them unseen from the rescue of Baird, and it also makes sense not everything they've said in that time I've actually played out, lol, & 2) That information is on the armor for anyone observable enough to see it, unless I'm mistaken about that?
- Thanks again for reading, Jonesy...
--Mana4X2 04:49, June 8, 2010 (UTC)
Author's Notes[]
Oh my goodness, Chapter 9 was such a key chapter for my OC, going into detail about how she became what she is now. I think I’ve covered it nicely, even my husband said it all made sense, so I’m hoping the same can be said for all my readers as well. It is this chapter that makes me so very happy I took the time to sit down and think about Mana’s Timeline before starting to write up ACT 3 ^_^.
Additionally I decided to add in an image at the beginning of each Act just to break it a bit, make it really clear that this is where the new section of the story begins. That, and well, it just makes it look more appealing in my opinion. LOL. Just so you all know I am going to get images of Mana done up soon, just need to get new images of myself, since she’s… um, me, to be able to do that *pokes out tongue*. Yeah, yeah, don’t start *Grins*.
I also want to take the time to mention that it is the thus far over 6 years of writing in the X-Men universe that is making the transition of my OC from there into the GoW Universe possible. The similarities between her being born a mutant in the X-Men Universe and, after prolonged exposure to Imulsion, becoming one in Gears of War are astoundingly similar, a heck of a lot easier than if I'd had no such experience doing this type of thing before. Then again, it's pretty obvious by my fic the mutations are just one of the many things that drew me to GoW in the first place ^^.
On that note though, I do want to ask my readers to please feel free to suggest how to make what I’ve already gone back into detail with sound even better. It goes without saying I may or may not take your suggestions into consideration, but yeah, input on Mana's Background is VERY welcome.
Lastly, Lobo, you have been SUCH a great friend and inspiration to me ever since I first commented on your own Gears of War Fan Fic. THANK YOU SO MUCH for your continued help along the way, because without you, certain things that have already been written and that are about to be wouldn’t have happened ^_^.
Update January 2011[]
I am happy to announce that, with the moving of my nearly 7-year-old X-Men RPG to its very own domain, the new and wonderful time saving features VBulletin offers are now finally enabling me to have the time to keep up with the maintaining of two different site HTML codes when it comes to my GoW FF. I've noticed the recent updates to Wikipedia as a whole have made changing that sort of thing here a lot easier than it used to be too, and for that I am definitely grateful.
So, what does this mean exactly? Well, basically, over time, and it shouldn't take me too long, I will once again get up the chapters to where I was last, as well as all the new stuff since then. This also means reviews can be done either here or over at FanFiction.net, depending on what the personal preference is there.
I am also thinking on creating a page devoted solely to anything and everything OOC (backgrounds and bios mainly) to do with Deployable Weapon, much like Jonesy's page for her Feral characters, etc. I just have to figure out how to do it, lol.
Anyways, thank you to my readers for reading and all the encouragement I’ve gotten, particularly from you, Katie ^_^. I guess this is technically a ‘Welcome Back’ for me here now... whoot! Am actually quite excited *grins*.
Cheers, --Mana4X2 12:57, January 12, 2011 (UTC)